At a family gathering, a lively two-year-old was having a wonderful time dancing about. Marvelling at the child’s freedom of expression, one adult mused “When do we start to become self-conscious?”
It wasn’t until later that the answer came to me – when we learn shame.
What is shame?
Shame is the painful feeling generated from the experience or belief that we are bad or unworthy. As opposed to guilt, which is linked to behaviour “I did something bad,” shame attacks our sense of self “I am bad.” Shame insidiously infiltrates our system like a virus and reprograms our identity, our experience of ourselves. Shame stains our soul.
Where does it come from?
We are not born with shame.
Shame starts to lay down its roots through our experiences; how we are treated and regarded by our early caregivers, the messages and expectations we absorb from others, our culture and the groups we are part of. These experiences become part of the code that formulates our beliefs about who we are and our own worthiness.
Shame is tricky and persistent. Not only does it thrive in the harsh, overt atmosphere of negativity, it can also grow in the silent void. There may not be the obvious damaging messages, but in the absence of loving nutrients that provide an experience of being valued, we can draw our own conclusions. We end up in the same dark place.
The impact of shame
Shame infects everything.
It impacts our relationships; how close we let people get (for fear of others discovering how bad we are) and how we let others treat us (I don’t deserve any better).
It shapes our treatment of ourselves (I’m not worth it).
It can push us towards addictive behaviours to try and escape the pain.
What do we do with it?
Again, we are not born with shame. Our shame has a history, it had a starting point. It does not have a fixed, unchangeable genetic code like the colour of your eyes. Allow this to give you hope that your experience of yourself can shift.
Shame thrives and gains power in the darkness. We can begin by gently shining some light onto it, bringing it out into the open and examining it with curiousity. Follow its roots to gain understanding. Cultivate compassion for your humanness and imperfections.
Of course this will neither be quick nor easy. Shame has had a lifetime of living comfortably in the shadows and won’t just obligingly pack up its stuff and move out. Get help. Don’t give up; keep shining that light, keep searching for that dancing two-year-old.
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