Patriarchy has been defined as the dominance of men in social/political/cultural systems.
We don’t have to try very hard to see the harm and danger this system holds for women, particularly with regards to the sexualisation of women; violence against women; rape culture and the normalisation and acceptance of the porn industry.
But today I want to pause and ask the question – what about the men?
Those who stand up and push back against patriarchal systems are often accused of being anti-men but we need to realise that systems built on power damage everyone – whether you’re the one holding and/or benefitting from the power, or the one without.
How does patriarchy shape a man’s view of himself, of women and how he should be showing up in the world?
Let’s take a trip right back to the school playground;
“Boys are rotten, made out of cotton,
Girls are sexy, made out of Pepsi”
“… slugs and snails and puppy dogs’ tails, that’s what little boys are made of”
“Boy’s germs!” “Girl’s germs!”
Harmless clapping game ditties, cute little nursery rhymes, typical boy/girl behaviour, aren’t they?
Maybe not.
What are the potential messages our little boys are breathing in and internalising?
Boys are dirty, gross and bad. Connections between girls and ‘sexiness’ are being laid down. The division between what is male and what is female has begun. The fracturing of male/female relationships has commenced. Let’s not forget for one minute that the little girls alongside them are absorbing the same messages.
Fast forward a few years;
“Boys don’t cry”
“Toughen up”
“Be a man”
“You throw like a girl”
“Don’t be a p***y”
“What a big girl’s blouse!”
“Boys will be boys”
Time and again the take away lesson is that there is something wrong with being female; to act in any way that may be perceived as feminine is dangerous and thus needs to be avoided at all costs. So our boys learn to adapt and do what they feel is expected; put their feelings away, be tough, strong, competitive, invincible, perhaps aggressive.
The problem with this is that to be fully human, we need to be able to access the whole range of human experience, not just what has been culturally deemed masculine or feminine. Our boys need to be able to experience and express gentleness, sadness, fear and vulnerability in safe ways that aren’t damaging to themselves or those around them. They need to be encouraged and shown how to connect with and value their own abilities to be nurturing, caring and creative without being shamed for it. To have permission to only half of the equation is to be incomplete and being cut off from parts of ourselves will always carry ramifications.
I know this short reflection doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of the toxic social construct of patriarchy and the fall out it has created. But one thing I do know; for our boys’ sake, as well as our girls,’ we need to change the messages.
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Photo by Ian Espinosa on Unsplash