The importance of self-esteem has been heralded for a long time now; the essential ingredient for producing happy children who develop into well-adjusted, functioning adults. Sounds simple? Not exactly.
Due to the world we live in, we can fall into a few pitfalls as we go about trying to develop self-esteem in ourselves or our children.
Performance based
We are members of a high-functioning, competitive society that is continually raising the bar on what is deemed ‘enough’. From the time we are small, our world turns on acceptance and performance. In this environment, the yardstick we learn to use to measure worth is that of accomplishments; whether it be academic or sporting ability, university degrees, career, wealth, relationships, family, physical appearance, the list goes on. We need to feel special in order to feel good about ourselves.
The common formula we repeatedly inhale is : I’m successful, therefore I’m worth something.
This is vulnerable ground to be standing on; the way we feel about ourselves is entangled with how well we perform. Performance-based living is fertile soil for developing anxiety, stress and a very fragile self-esteem that is constantly reliant on results and accolades. To feel confident about ourselves we need to be achieving and we need others to be applauding our efforts. We have placed the foundation of our self-esteem outside of ourselves and at the mercy of external validation.
Breeds comparison
Operating from this space colours how we view others as well as ourselves. The nature of being successful is that I need to be as good as or, preferably, better than you in order to feel secure. This requires me to become a player in the comparison game. Other people in my world become competitors as I measure myself against them. If I’m ahead of them, I can relax. If I’m not, I need to try harder.
Self-criticism
How does it affect how I treat myself? My inner critic is bent on achieving results and is diligent at continually assessing, judging, criticising and driving me on to do more, be more. Failure is a constant threat. Functioning under such a harsh task master is highly stressful and anxiety may become a close companion.
Exclusive Framework
What about those of us who do not or cannot tick the boxes? Those who haven’t achieved within our narrow paradigms? Those who are not academically strong, who don’t have the high income or the prestigious position? Who are alone? Are they to be written off and deemed worthless by themselves and others?
Let’s return to the drawing board and consider how to tease out our sense of worth from our achievements. In my next post I will be doing just that. In the meantime, can I invite you to spend some time thinking about the beliefs you may currently hold around what you do and who you are.
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Photo by Bruno Nascimento